Monday, November 13, 2006

What I've been doing...

Sorry for the light blogging lately, ladies. As you can probably guess, someone as famous and important as me has more important things to do than keep you entertained with my wisdom for free. But I thought you should know that I'm very close to finding that creepy psycho blog stalker who has taken it upon himself to ridicule everything I say. We all know that anyone that hates me must have a screw loose. I've met a lot of people with that particular screw loose, if you know what I mean. I've left hundreds of them in my wake. Even if I don't find him, it's ok. I'm at peace. It's not like I log onto his blog half a dozen times a day to see what he writes about me. It's not like my ex-husband is his biggest fan.

Anyway this psycho is probably a big fat man who jerks it to my picture (the one where I look like Blossom with my goofy hat, I love that picture). He's fat and I'm skinny. See how that works? I'm rich and he's poor. I'm famous and he's a nobody. I'm a single mom and... well let's leave that one right there.

Speaking of which, my son has started school and that's a good thing because his head is growing rapidly. I don't mean that figuratively. The kid is gifted and his brain is growing exponentially. Soon his head is going to be the size of a fucking basketball. The weird thing is that he talks like "HAL 9000" from 2001 a Space Odyssey. It kind of creeps me out. Out of nowhere he says things like: "I wouldn't do that if I were you Dave." Gifted or not I'm glad to have the kid in school so I can play house during the day with some of my male students from the college. I knew this teaching gig would have fringe benefits.

Speaking of school, boy did I shit the bed when I set my latest book, Hooters, in real school and based a character on a real teacher. That was a whole fucking can of worms I could have lived without. I think it's blown over now, but the book sales are WEAK ladies. I need you all to buy this book for your teenage sluts daughters.

On the bright side the Democrats have taken over the House and Senate and you can just count the days until we are smack dab in the middle of our very own Maoist Cultural Revolution. Can you say "drab smocks"? I love it.

We'll also be surrendering in Iraq too, which is fantastic. Nothing like ensuring that all those Americans servicemen and women died for nothing by pulling out and leaving the Iraqis to fend for themselves against the Islamofascists. Serves them right for wanting democracy. They should have been happy to have a benevolent dictator that only killed and maimed if he got up on the wrong side of bed. You know they say the best part of breaking up is making up, well the best part of this war is the humiliating end when Bush has to crawl away with his tail between his legs. Like I said, I'm at peace and that's all that really matters anyway girls.

Oh and soon we'll all be able to legally party like it's 1999 down in Cuba. The Dems are gonna lift the embargo and it's gonna be Cuba Libres on me (I just love the irony of drinking a Cuba Libre in a Cuba that's anything but libre).

As my commie daddy used to say,

Salud Chicas!

-Not Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez

3 comments:

The ex-husband said...

Actually I only visit you're site as a short cut too the wikipedia main page. I've been doing alot of research lately. That sites great by the way. Ever just go there and browse? So much information, and the multimedia is superb. Just the other day I saw video of a beached whale that was exploded using dyno-mite. Blubber was everywhere. Hey do you think that stuff is used to make wetsuits? Man I love the feel of wetsuits. I could sleep in wetsuits if the people in the institute allowed it.

Anonymous said...

So you were looking for Not Alisa and found a beached, blown up whale on Wikipedia. Does this not tell us all we need to know?

the ex-husband said...

Naw man. I went to like the main page on that wikipedia thing and saw the beached whale. Dude I don't even wanna no what I will find when I look up that Not Alisa she-dude. Probably a link to some Cuban rum or whatever. Naw I was so stoked when I found the whale. It was like that story in the bible, but so much more cooler.