Friday, October 27, 2006

Message to Mr. Biggs

Wow, I can't get this crazy psycho school teacher to leave me alone. As you all know my latest book, Hooters, is out and getting great reviews from my sycophant friends in the literary world but it's still way down in the ratings. Even worse than my last piece of shit. Well Hooters is set in Orange County and I chose to set it at a real high school. One of the teachers in the novel is Mr. Big, who like to "play with girls" if you catch my drift. Well it turns out that there is a real Mr. Biggs at the school and he has taken offense. He thinks I'm out to get him and that Mr. Big is really him, Mr. Biggs.

Now wait a minute. I have certainly made thinly veiled attacks on people by creating fictional characters about them. Take for example Jennifer Lopez who was Jill Sanchez in my last novel or the character I created to lampoon that bitch reporter from the Miami Herald, Lydia Martin. But those are important people, not a lousy two bit Jr. Varsity football coach. I mean what do I have to gain from humiliating someone nobody even knows?

Now this psychopath is threatening lawsuits and sending me emails. Why is it that I tend to attract all the wackos in the world? Everybody in this world seems to be crazy EXCEPT ME. I'm the only rational one.

Well I wanted my publicist at the publishing house to write a press release about Charles Manson Mr. Biggs and they refused. They said that the bad press I continually generate is hurting sales and that I should just keep my trap shut. What the FUCK? Who is the talent here? I AM! And if they aren't going to write the release then I sure as hell will. You know they say if you want something done right you have to do it yourself. I learned that lesson the hard way after having to fire 5 Guadalupe-worshipping Mexican maids in 5 weeks.

So I have written my own press release denouncing Mr. Big Biggs as the idiotic spotlight-grabbing insane jerk that he is. And my publisher will just have to DEAL.

Besides I'm the only one that should be allowed to threaten people with frivolous lawsuits for slander and libel. Like I did to those Cuban-American bloggers in Miami that think the constitution gives them the right to parody me. Parodies are supposed to be funny and there's nothing funny about pointing out my pecadillos and hypocrisy. Nothing!

I can't believe I had to take time away from my latest project to address this child-molesting jackass and his crazy accusations. I was in the middle of cataloging my extensive porno collection for Pete's sake. I'm a hundred tapes in, and I'm only up to the B's, between Bondage and Bukkake. God I love Bukkake.

It's a shame about Mr. Biggs, you know being so crazy and all, because he's kind of cute. I'd like to get a little physical education right about now, wink wink. Ever since I finally dropped shit for brains it's been little old me with an "eight inch dingus" (Lysistrata would have been proud).

Oh well back to sorting porno.


Not Alisa Valdes Rodriguez

PS, Buy my fucking book!

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