Sunday, September 10, 2006

Boy am I an idiot or what?

You know part of the problem with being manic depressive is that sometimes you realize what you did during one of your bad phases and really, really regret it. That's why I have to take down my blog periodically and write long letters of apology all the time. Well I just realized that I have killed any chance of having a friendship with Jennifer Lopez. Man, I even wrote a novel about her (using a "fictional" character of course) and made her look like a total bitch. All because she stopped answering my calls about the movie version of my first piece of shit novel.

Let me see what I can do to mend the fences now. Maybe I can make up some bullshit about the nasty lead character in the my latest piece of shit novel being me and not her. Yeah that's the ticket. It was me and I was attacking myself not JLo! Why would I attack JLo? I loathe myself more than anyone, everyone knows that. I wrote a book about myself, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

P.S. I love JLo's fragrances. They are all awesome and smell nothing like skunk spray.

not Alisa Valdes Rodriguez (JLo's number 1 fan!)

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh man this is fucking rich. She practically sent out press releases saying the whole thing was about J-Lo and gave interviews in the media about it until her lawyers told her to say it was just 'based' on J-Lo. She tried to sell her disastrous novel as 'inside' scoop based on her previous, ignobly-ending career as an entertainment journalists, and all the secrets she was spilling - which some smart Houston Lawyer reviewer called her on on the Amazon reviews, pointing out that if you're gonna burn bridges, you best give something up good - which she didn't because she didn't have any inside info. Now, she's sucking up for some reason, hoping a little teenage blog entry will change everything, and melt J-Lo's callous heart. So she wants to be friends after all! It's not the first time she's sweet talked someone she's trashed, then turned around like a viper and attacked afterward. J-Lo is too smart for this game-playing, she won't be fooled. But it is one pathetic show all right. Once again, whatshername refuses to accept the consequences of her actions. Pathetic, just pathetic.

Anonymous said...

Please don't punish me, JLo, please don't punish me, JLo, please dont punish me, JLo, let me lick your feet here, let me bring you herb tea, let me hold your umbrella, let me grovel on this sidewalk here, I'll gladly step over this grease spot so you won't dirty the soles of your shoes. And PLEASE don't look at these statements here, they're totally unremarkable, totally inconsequential, please don't go here, and I never said them anyway...:

"The Jill Sanchez character is obviously fictional, but there are quite a few anecdotes in there that come from real experiences that either I or other people had with J.Lo," says Valdes-Rodriguez, sitting in a Mission District cafe on a recent visit to San Francisco.

Jennifer Lopez had been signed on as a producer and star of the film version of "The Dirty Girls Social Club" when Columbia Pictures optioned the rights, but the deal fell through.

Valdes-Rodriguez says the manipulative, sleazy Biscayne is a "totally made-up character," and jokes that he's like a gorgeous Miami singer, "if he was straight, or like Marc Anthony if he was handsome." The author drew on the experiences of a friend who was a publicist for a "big celebrity," and says, "She went from being a fawning fanatic to someone who would call almost in tears." Before the friend quit her job, she told Valdes-Rodriguez, "It's about 99 percent true that whatever you read about someone is the opposite of what they are."

Valdes-Rodriguez speaks from experience.

"I had been an entertainment reporter, so I got access to celebrities through the gatekeepers, the publicists," she says. "You have a certain image of them, then you get to meet them, and they're very, very different from the image. That's the genesis of this book."


Ya think?

Bruce Dickinson said...

Mike,

I'm quiting this blog. Basically my chief concern is that I'm not being taken seriously enough.

Bye.

P.S. I'll still be attending the monthly beer and wings night out at the Hooters. Save my seat next to the love machine.

Patrick said...

Bye, Cliffy. I think I speak for all of us here when I say I'll miss your know-it-all personality. And, yes, I'll make sure to save your favorite seat at the bar next to the love machine.

jay and silent bob said...

All of you need a real ass kicking!

Anonymous said...

I've found better uses for my time but I have to come to check out what you've been up to every now and then. I really had to laugh at this one. I went to check the myspace page and it is oh so serious! Oh my God! She really said that. That novel is SO based on J-Lo! What is wrong with her? I wonder if J-Lo threatened her. Now I feel really, really stupid for sticking up for Alisa (so I will stay anonymous). Really, can you say bipolar?

Patrick said...

Anonymous is to coward, what water is to tea.

My good friend Christopher Walken taught me that one. Though I'm not sure exactly what it means.

Anonymous said...

Then call me a coward, we have to save face.

Bruce Dickinson said...

Fellas, I'm really digging the blog, dynamite stuff, but I need more cowbell. Play that cowbell...like it's 1952.

Anonymous said...

I said coward, not cowbell.

Patrick said...

Wow, Bruce Dickinson digs our blog.

Bruce Dickinson said...

Fellas, come on, I put my pants on, just like the rest of you, one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold web sites.

not Alisa said...

Hey Bruce Dickinson puts his pants on just like the rest of you - one leg at a time. Except, once his pants are on, he makes gold records.

not Alisa said...

Wow, you beat me to that by one minute.

not Alisa said...

Patrick, will you marry me...again?

Anonymous said...

What the hell does that mean?

Anonymous said...

Very funny.

Patrick said...

I'll marry you. We can have a pretty damn good life together. Maybe even a little bun in the oven. Eh? Eh?

Bruce Dickinson said...

Hey, first anonymous, never question Bruce Dickinson.

Anonymous said...

Bruce Dickinson, the "Cock of the walk", baby!

jay and silent bob said...

This isn't funny! It's full of vulgarity! Take it down, now! ... And which one of you fucking, fat bastards stole my Snickers bar?

Butabi Brothers said...

Steve says: Wanna dance? ... Oh, okay, maybe next time.

Doug says: Wanna dance? ... Yes? ... No? ... Oh, you're a lesbian? Gotcha, you'll take a raincheck.

Steve says: Him? Me?

Doug says: Me? him?

jay and silent bob said...

Yo, roll out another phat post, already, before I get tubby here to bitch hump your mom.

Wanna here something rank? I got a half stock when I saw that PMS chick's photo. ...Snooches!!!

not Alisa said...

Olaf, Berserker!

jay and silent bob said...

Hey! I didnt come here for Kevin Smith movie references. Are you gonna roll out another fatty or what?

Also me and Silent Bob wanna know who your going to hump it with first? Better be me, cause I hate sloppy seconds.