Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Spitting mad!

Girls,

I am spitting mad! There's a new poll out about The Most Influential Latinos and I, the Reina Dirty, one of Time Magazine's 25 most influential Latinas, am not even on the list to choose from! This is an insult, it's a cold slap in the face. This doesn't make sense at all, and I am going to get my attorney on the phone right now so I can sue these bastards! I bet they didn't write a new book in a week. I bet they aren't gifted. Who are they to judge who is influential.

That goddamned, stupid, rightwing Nazi, Alberto Gonzales, is on there, and so is that nasty little ratface Shakira, whose music I made sure got trashed in my Dirty Chicas book, as my payback for being slighted by her 10 years ago(because I always get revenge). What's worse is that that fucking "I don't want to make your movie" excuse-making big-assed bitch, Jennifer Lopez is on the list too!

But not MEEE!!!!!

Don't they know how serious this is? Don't they know who I am?

I see a conspiracy against me! I am waaaaay more important than that goddamned washed up movie star, Jennifer Lopez. I bet that this is because I parodied her in my latest piece of shit book! I told the whole truth about her and this is how they pay me back. The only good part is that my beloved Hugo and Fidel are going better than that damn Gonzales. Can't be frowning all the time, girls, it's bad for the wrinkles.

Who do these goddam chingasos think they are? They are ignoring the Reina Dirty and I am going to scream it to the mountaintop. I am going to call that Lydia Martin chick at the Miami Herald right now and DEMAND that she write about this! And woe to her if she doesn't!

Hissssssss!

warm sweaty hug,

NOT Alisa

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

(yawn)

Anonymous said...

C'mon, be more funnier! I haven't got all day.

I thought it was hilarious said...

"more funnier" ??? You haven't got any writing skills either.

not yawning ...

Kudu said...

anonymous lives in New Mexico.

Anonymous said...

be more funnier? either it's more funny or funnier, but you can't do both. It's grammatically incorrect.

Anonymous said...

No, I live on the internet. I have a home in new mexico. big difference.

Bruce Dickinson said...

Bueller? ...

Bueller? ...

Bueller? ...


Bueller? ...

Anonymous said...

Goddam it, it damn well wasn't meant to be funny! The Reina Dirty is spitting mad and don't you forget it. You damn well better not be fucking laughing at the Reina Dirty, punk! Fuck you! Fuckety fuck fuck fuck fuck!

Not The Reina Dirty

Patrick said...

Okay, we get it. You're spitting Mad. Now, please, get on with it before I go stale.

Anonymous said...

I love this blog. The person who writes this stuff is fucking hilarious, and I tip my hat to you.
-Not a slandered person

Patrick said...

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for the support. I'm glad you enjoy the content. And I've some news for the rest of you clones. Since this site is becoming more and more popular, I've considered introducing a subscriber fee. But please tell me your thoughts on this matter, first.

P.S. It's pronounced Ha-lah, not Cha-lah, you anti-semitic, Wonderbread eating cocksuckers.

Anonymous said...

Keep it free! And keep writing. Honestly, if Real Alisa is so much better than you, Not Alisa, why would she keep commenting on here, and having little hissy fits? It's enough to make someone want to write a soap opera...HEY, that's an idea, no? ;]

-Slandered

Patrick said...

I was on a soap opera, once. I played the part of a sourdough. I was so stoked, guys. It was the roll of a lifetime, I tell you. ... Get it? Roll of a lifetime? ... Okay, that was bad. Really, really bad.

Bruce Dickinson said...

There are actually numerous names given to bread rolls, especially in local dialects of the English langauge. Some of these refer to a specific type of bread roll, like a bun, and others are more generic. That said, there's still some debate whether or not the challah bread qualifies as a roll.

Patrick said...

That sounds half-baked, cliffy. ... Hey, I just did another pun.

Oy, vey! I'm crack myself up!