Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Meeting Bill Richardson, the Merry Mex

Yes I kept MY second Lexus. Never mind that greenie shit, I need to show that lousy ex-husband of mine that I have multiple cars to give him something to think about on the fucking Elephant Butte bus.

I yanked his purple fuzzy dice down from the back window and drove that thing over to my meeting with Bill Richardson, the governor of New Mexico (because I'm important). I think I'm entitled to the two parking spaces I used in the statehouse parking garage. After all, in case I didn't tell you, Time Magazine named me one of their 25 most influential Latinos. After I verbally abused the parking attendent for a couple of minutes, I walked into the statehouse in style and zipped up to the third floor.

The size-six secretary, (disgusting little tramp, the kind the hubby would be seen cavorting all over town with), said I was early, but she only looked about 22, so I wasn't taking any of her well-painted lip. After all, the governor had called ME, not the other way around. So after I made it clear to her that I, The Reina Dirty, was one of Time Magazine's 25 Most Influential Hispanics, I simply walked past her and into the Guv's office. I took the comfortable seat behind the main desk, you know, the one between the two flags, because I always like the look of being framed. It's my gifted inner interior designer speaking to me in whispers.

"Bill!" I shouted to him as he walked in. For some reason he looked startled, so I told him to take a fucking seat. He kind of crumpled there, aghast, so I decided to make him comfortable. "Bill, I was so impressed with your web site," I told him. "Mira, Mi'jo," you've been reading my sucias book. Know how I know that? Because you've got fake skin-darkener on your web site photo, to make you look more Mexican. It's the same thing my character Lauren had done! I guess you know all the race-baiting tricks as well as I do. For some reason it kind of made him go pale, but nevermind that.

He said he wanted to talk to me about a seat on the state cultural board. I told him I'd be thrilled to lay my ample backside on that seat. What better way to be an artist and affirm one's artistic worth than to sit on a state bureaucratic board, doling out money? It's almost like being a commissar in Cuba. Arteestes like me decide what's art and what's not art and make sure to reward friends and punish fucking enemies. (Which for me, is everyone, even my sycophants). I bet I could find a way to punish those goddamn Miami Cuban Nazis with this!

He seemed to like my spiel, and asked if I knew anything about art. I told him I did. I bought a painting of a 'reluctant angel' once, it was just like those Nicole Brown Simpson angels, except a lot blockier. I told him I also had lots of other paintings of winged unicorns flying through rainbow colored space, showing the depth of my culture. All that Greek mythology, something so few white people, let alone Latinas, have any idea about. But I do. Most people think that art is a painting of Elvis on black velvet or a picture of dogs playing poker or pool.

I also know a lot about the music and film industry, given my lovely graceful exit from the journalism field as well as my scholarly study of J-Lo, which I told everyone about, in my new book, 'Make Him Feel Good.' He kind of cringed at that, no doubt because he doesn't know about culture, but he said it would be all right.

But I wanted to talk about politics - because I view this arts board seat as a stepping stone to my real career ambition, which is to use it as a soapbox ahead of my new career New Mexico's own Cynthia McKinney. I want him to get me into office and I sure as shit didn't want to be campaigning and ruining my hair.

He said he'd see about that. Then he asked me if I had any political skeletons in my closet, something that would be seized upon by any enemies? "Listen up, you idiot," I told him: "There's nothing wrong with me, it's always someone else. I don't cause controversy, there are only conspiracies against me! There's never anything wrong with anything I do!"

I told him I knew a lot about my state - it's NEW Mexico, not REGULAR Mexico or Mexico LIGHT- something no gringo seems to be aware of, and solemnly advised him I'd focus on abusing them until they got it right, or at least ran as far away from me as they could.

He nodded gravely.

Now as a favor to my dad, and knowing about Bill's travels on his many junkets, I asked Bill if he could get me in touch with 'Lil Kim' for an appearance. He hesitated, and paused and said he thought it was a peculiar choice for New Mexico. Then I realized that he thought I was talking about Lil Kim the entertainer not Kim Jong Il, my ideological role model. Man that Richardson is dumber than a box of rocks. Good luck on the presdential run dingbat! He said he'd see what he could do about bringing the "illest" dictator of them all to our beautiful state for a poetry reading or some such bullshit.

"Bill, trust my judgment," I told him, stomped out and went back to give my dad "Lefty Valdes" the good news.

Toodle-oo, girls,

Hugs,

Not Alisa

17 comments:

JC said...

Please take down erroneous remarks about my client.

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

not Alisa said...

Which remarks would those be?

JC said...

"...purple fuzzy dice down from the back window..."

You and I both know there were never any fuzzy dice hanging from the back window, or any window.

Anonymous said...

Shouldn't you be more concerned about Not Alisa's claim that Patrick still rides the bus? Bad for his image, don't you know, and in a way that purple dice are not.

By the way, this site is about Not Alisa, so by extension, the ex-husband you claim to cite is Not Your Client, dork.

Anonymous said...

Hey Josh, you got Googled! So tell us, in addition to "representing" Patrick Jason, are you the fashion photogger, the male model, or the Asian studies student? Tell the truth, Jas, you truly are the fuzzy purple dice of agent representation. Which, given your client's choice of ex-wives, sounds like the sort of guy he'd pick.

Still, your client was wise to take that chick to the Hyatt on Not Alisa's credit card. It's hard to not respect him for that. He probably saved his sanity that way. And oh, it was fun to watch the tantrum afterward.

I kinda like ya guys.

Anonymous said...

Negative about the bus, although you bring up a valid point.

Mr Jason is a huge proponent of public transportation, even though he DOES NOT ride the bus now, nor has he since he lived in Boston more than seven years ago. Embellishments of the author. Good for the sympathy readers, we suppose.

Best,
Josh Cornell
The Blackman Agency

Anonymous said...

I googled The Blackman Agency. Is Patrick now working as a security guard?

http://www.globalcoverage.net/security.shtml

Anonymous said...

No, but I bet right now he's working your wife.

Yours,
Josh Cornell
The Blackman Agency

Patrick said...

WTF!? How come nobody did a parody of me? Did I die in Tahoe for nothing?

Pinche chingasos!

JC said...

Hey, I meant what I said about the dice. Take the fucking reference down.

not Alisa said...

I have written what I have written.

IRENE R. JASSO said...

AND I THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET ANY FUNNIER!! I LOVE IT..MIL GRACIAS!PAZ, IRENE R. JASSO

JC said...

Ahem. It seems there was a mistake made by my assistant.

This is a parody blog, which nobody really gives a shit about. Put whatever rants you want here. As far as we know the only people who frequent this site are gun-toting cross-dressers and the elderly, and both demographics have zero effect on defaming my client.

JC, out.

Bruce Dickinson said...

Tsk, task. "Which group do you belong to the gun-toting cross-dressers or the elderly." is incorrect.

try,

"To which group do you belong, the gun-toting cross-dressers or the elderly?"

Sigh. Being a copy boy is so hard these days.

not Alisa said...

Thank you for the endorsement. To which group do you belong, the gun-toting cross-dressers or the elderly?

By the way, gun-toting cross-dressers vs. the elderly sounds like a classic match-up for MXC on Spike TV.

Thanks Sonny!

Bruce Dickinson said...

Thanks, Sonny!

not, Thanks Sonny!

{sigh}

Bruce Dickinson said...

speaking of cross-dressers, come see my performance in Hairspray!