Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Bad news chicas

I have hired a lawyer to help me in a slander/libel case against that narcissistic, possibly psychotic male blogger in Florida who has decided to create a "parody" blog of my own blog. It seems he is stalking not just me, but some of you, leaving messages on your blogs trying to attract attention to his blog, pretending to be me.

But unfortunately this lawyer seems to think I have no case. He says that in order to prove libel or slander I have to show that what this bastard wrote is not true. And since pretty much everything he's "revealed" about my personal life was actually made public by me in fits of rage or just instances of bad judgment (what's new?) that it's not libel or slander.

He also said that even if this prick wrote something about me that was false, that I'd have to prove that it somehow damaged me. And I'm not talking emotional well-being here, cause everybody knows I was crazier than a bed bug before this blog appeared. I'd have to show that he damaged my book sales. And I've done a great job of that myself, come to think of it, so that's a dead end.

And as for the made-up episodes in this disgusting blog, unfortunately the fact that I am a best-selling author and one of Time Magazine's 25 most influential Hispanics works against me because it makes me a public figure. And public figures are fair game for parody and parody is a protected form of speech, dammit! Well I don't like this 1st Amendment bullshit. I mean why can't I stop people from writing mean things about me, even if they are true? That's why I hate this country and all its fucking "rights."

The lawyer says that the one thing we might nail him on is that he confused people into thinking that he was me. But he doesn't hold out hope for that argument because only a complete moron would read the word "not" 50,000 times and think that it's actually the person that the author claims he's not.

But you want to know what really pissed me off about this $300/hour jackass. He actually told me that as an author and former journalist that I should know all of this by now. How dare he assume that I was actually awake during all those boring journalism classes?

I'm moving to Cuba, where my uncle Fidel doesn't allow any "free speech." Argh!

NOT Alisa Valdes (formerly NOT Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez)


Anonymous said...

This blog is so hilarious!!! I am one of those native New Mexicans who love to hate AVR, er ALV...

Whoever came up with this parody, thanks!

Anonymous said...

It's spelled judgment, not judgement.

-not the copy editor

not Alisa said...

I love you, not the copy editor. Keeping me on my toes. Every writer needs an editor. Maybe we get married?

Anonymous said...

Forget that free speech ordinance. It's outdated during this War of Terrer error, er, era. So if I were you, chica, or chico, I'd cut it out or else you are going to help my client buy her next Lexus.

Not the lawyer of Alisa Valdes

IRENE R. JASSO said...

ok..you are really confusing me..are you or are you not??that is the question..anyhow..i love this blogg..such fun..and Lord knows we need it in this creepy time we live..(see my blogg)love not, Peace Irene R.Jasso

Anonymous said...

You, Irene, are, like, a fucking idiot.

-not Paris Hilton

IRENE R. JASSO said...

Dear Not Paris..I love it..thank you for the compliment..I love it when people agree to disagree..in a civil way..not throwing bombs at each other..to make a point..peace, Irene R. Jasso

Alisa Lynn Valdes said...

One word: Malice.

Last time I checked, peppering someone with comments like "fucking cunt" and claiming to be watching someone is stalking.