Monday, June 26, 2006

From my (Designer-Logo) Mailbag

Look at this shit I get in the mail:
"Oh Alisa, I am not Hispanic but your books were the first Hispanic ones I ever read and I never knew we had so much in common and I love your books so much."
First of all, the bitch is lying because my books aren't loved by anyone and my lousy five-digit Amazon ratings prove it. She must want something from me.

My response:
Listen up you phony bitch, get your own goddam literary agent! And no, I don't have a fucking part for you in my Lifetime television series, because the pilot went over like a lead zeppelin. An if it hadn't there still wouldn't be a part for you anyway.
Can you believe what she said? That "I'm not Hispanic and I never knew we had so much in common"crap?

Why the fuck not?

Whitebread people are supposed to KNOW everything there is to know about Hispanic culture. After all you are the ones that ruined it. You got that, bucko? And it's not my job to teach you either.

But don't expect those rules to apply to me. I'm white skinned and don't speak Spanish, but I'm Hispanic, so I'm allowed to be as ignorant about Hispanic culture as I want to be.

Besides I can't be expected to know all the details about every Mexican Guadalupe-worshipping maid (that does me the disservice of buying my book in Spanish, driving down my Amazon numbers of my English version). It would be bad for my upscale image.

You know, all these whitebread racists and toilet-cleaning Mexicans are supposedly my fans. I pretended to like them on my book tour! Isn't that enough? What more do you want from me? All those assholes should be shot.

Love and hugs,

not Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez

P.S. Take a look at this fucking surname list here. Look how high "Castro" ranks - it's 282! Castro is greatness itself. Guevara is 1949, which proves America is racist because it's not that high and we need to let more free-spirited, dreamy Guevaras into the country. Yet "Chavez" is way up there, at 194. Love that Chavez. Cha Cha Cha-vez.


Anonymous said...

Not Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez,

I love that you love me, and I love that I love you. You need to call me sometime. Since you started making money selling all of those books, we haven't talked as much as we used to. I even said you could sell your books on the island. Remember? Call me!

Not Fidel Castro

Amy Simpson said...

Hey girl friend Sucia:

I am not latino but I have this fantasy of a 3 some with you, that Latino writeress and tatoo fan Sandra Cisneros, and NPR Latina Maria Jinojosa all in like this cheap run down no tell motel in the Mexican section of Taos (after I come back from a ski trip) - well I want all of you to kidnap me and wear your high heels, stockings and garter belts and me the middle in the bed...

I am female
unitarian - pagan
20 something
short blonde hair, up turned nose
cute and preppy looking - pleasntly plump - Mayflower desendant.
I work at Planned Parenthood in Boston and my parents have a lot of money. I graduated from Barnard and got my masters at Vassar.

Oh and I wrote this letter to our pal Fidel when I was like 17. Maybe you can publish it? You can also curse me if you want - I am submissive and I get my white girl freak on when I think about a latina sistah making me her "puta sucia bitch" - very Bronx. A turn on especially for my white skin all red as your brown hand punishes my big white girl butt. Caucasians like me can have big butts too you know. I want you to "sex me up" as the latino janitor, Hector, that works at the clinic says to me.


Dear President Castro,

My name is Amy Simpson, and I am 17 years old, and I currently attend
the National Council of Churches day school at Riverside Drive in New
York City. My parents come from an old New York family, the Simpson's of East Egg Long Island, perhaps you know them? They are friends with your friends the Rockefellers. Mummy says she has always been interested in helping "our brown skin brothers and sisters" as she describes Latinos such as yourself, and every year we give a donation to the Planned Parenthood, Museo del Barrio, and the National Council of La Raza.

We are also secular Unitarians, and I love to listen to everything from
Brittany Spears to Rage Against the Machine.

My cousin Brad who attends the Friends Academy in Grammercy Park, went
to Cuba last year as an exchange student that the Pacifist League of
Secular Quakers, and Pacifica radio station, WBAI sponsors annually to Cuba. The only problem was that while Brad was on the island, the Cuban kids that where supposed to come over in the exchange never made it to the states. The Cuban students were supposed to stay with a guest host family, which in this case it would've been at my Auntie's (My cousin Bradley's mom) brownstone in Brooklyn Heights.

Brad really loved Cuba, and he was especially enamored of members of
this all female Cuban youth group they encountered one evening in a street corner in
Havana. Brad is always calling the members of this cultural troupe this
word called hi-ne-te-ras? I' don't know if I spelled it correctly, nor
what Brad was speaking about because my Cuban is not that "bueno" (ha ha ha) but he tells me they preformed these aerobic acts which must be a like some folkloric dance that sounds like "hacer la pajah, soplar
platano y chorizo, and joder? Is that some form of Cuban music like
Mambo?, because I don't remember seeing that in the Buena Vista Social
Club film this nice lady named Sandy Levinson showed us in the native
aboriginal music appreciation class we are required to take at the National Council of Churches Day School. I am confused

Later on, our multi cultural 101 teacher actually told us the real
reason why the Cuban kids did not venture to the United States on the
educational exchange. First of all, the Cuban students were afraid that
they would've been kidnapped by members of the "Miami Mafia", and that
they boys would've had to become drug couriers for the Mas family of the paramilitary CIA funded Cuban American National Foundation, or that the girls would've been lost in a white slavery ring that operates out of the Versailles Restaurant in Little Havana, Miami.

Our teacher also told us that the other reason they don't leave is
because they love Cuba so much, and because you Fidel, gives them free
schooling as well as complementary medicine. For those reasons teacher
explained, they are in perpetual gratitude to you and the revolution, so they never want to venture more then fifty miles away from your
presence, and the beautiful island of Cuba. Mr. Franklen Stein also
reiterated that since every earthly thing the Cubans ever need is within reach, and for free, no less, no Cuban ever wants to leave the island, except maybe those elements who were part of the minority white ruling class during the tragic days of the right wing dictator Batista. If this is true Fidel, Cuba really sounds like a cool and fun place to live.

That's why I could never understand why that cutie Elian wanted to live
with those scary people in Miami who looks like crazy old Pedro, the
janitor at the National Council of Churches day school. Pedro says he
was once a doctor in Cuba, but he states he could not get his license to practice medicine once he came to America. Mr. Franklen Stein says that is typical of individuals who fled Cuba with Batista, because before the revolution Cuba's medical state was very poor, available only to the slave owning wealthy, and they often times they used procedures that where more attune to superstitious folk remedies they learned from the native people that lived in Cuban jungles, or Voodoo from slaves that came from Haiti.

I think Cuba is "da bomb" - I learnt that in Ebonics class Fidel, the
NCC requires we take up a different foreign language each year, and along with the mandatory Spanish classes, we brush up on our inner city dialects like Ebonics and Spanglish. I want to be a social worker when I grow up so you never know when you are going to need these language skills in the Riverside Church inner city wymin’s reproductive health clinic I plan to intern with over the summer. When in Rome… Mr. Franklen Stein tells us that the doctor to patient ratio is something like 75 doctors for about every 100 persons. That's an astonishing figure being that Cuba is a small poor island, and I think it's great you are striving to make everyone a doctor in Cuba. Is that true Fidel?

But getting back to old crazy Pedro or "gusano" as the teachers at NCC
call him. Well, Pedro sounding very ungrateful even if he has a job, is
always blurting out your name to himself as he sweeps the floors. He
always follows your name with very bad words like the one we hear our
Afrikana/Latina poetry teacher Ms. Nile Rainbow Idi Amin Dada say as she converts the lyrics of Notorious Big, Tupac Shakur, Ice Tea, NWA, and the Two Live Crew, into beat poetry she recites at the Nuyo Rican Poets Café. Except in the case of Pedro, he curses at you in a Cuban accent, so he sounds like a mean spirited Ricky Ricardo out to tell Lucy "Listen ju beach, ju kunt be in da fuking show" HAHAHA! That Pedro, what local color he is.

Ms. Dada explains to us that Pedro has an illness called "reactionary
Intransigence" (?) and that after many a group therapy or re education
classes in the church's basement (they installed these cool sound proof rooms the church got cheap from an East German company that went out of business in 89), he refuses to take the Saint John's Wort, anti depressant our school's alternative medicine nurse
practitioner / mid wife wants to give to him.

It's really a shame Pedro's illness makes him say those unfortunate
things about you Fidel, but when words like "mother fucker" , "bitch",
and 'ho" are used in the context of a vernacular radical developmental psychologist like Dr. Lenora Fulani it soon looses its vulgarity - and instead it becomes performance art in the grand tradition of an African American folklorists like Redd Foxx, Nipsy Russle, Chris Rock (my fave) and the Marxist dialectic process of change through the conflict of opposing forces, whereby a given contradiction is characterized by a primary and a secondary aspect, the secondary succumbing to the primary, which is then transformed into an aspect of a new contradiction. Whew!

But Fidel, you should've been at our Multicultural Wymin's of Color
"sit-in" we had last year during the Winter Solstice Holiday break. By
the way, we tend not to celebrate "Christmas" at our school because we
try to rely on humanity instead of an unseen supernatural patriarchal
Santa Claus, and because we don't want to offend other people whose
religions don't follow a neo colonialist, co dependant, bourgeoisie,
sexist white mans mythos, as our comparative religion teacher, and your
friend, Rev. Joan Brown Campbell always tells us.

By the way I think you are cute with your beard and combat uniform. Did
you buy your army clothes at Canal Jeans in Soho the last time you where here in New York City?

Peace for Cuba!

Amy Simpson

I am going to go to college at Vassar, I hear they have a great Cuba friendship exchange program there. Go Vassar!

Anonymous said...

Oh Alisa. Now that you've let it all hang out, would you be interested in trying butt sex one more time? My husband can show you. When you're in Lower East Side next time.


Amy Simpson said...


You forgot to curse me out!

I am so sad!