A legend is born: How to market yourself in a police state

Girls, I'm going out so while I'm putting my lipstick on (Chanel Pink Trivia, $32.99), I want to remind you again that this country was founded on fucking genocide. That's right, I was reading The Communist Manifesto last night in my five-star hotel and it reminded me to keep getting the message out there.

The United States is an imperialist nation founded on genocide, built on slavery, and sustained through the continued oppression and abuse of the underclass. Pay no attention to all the money you see, the low unemployment and infant mortality rates, the free public education, social saftey net, and advanced pharmaceutical industry, it's all a facade. The real story is that this is a fucking police state worse than slavery. That's my real "message" and sonofabitch I am going to continue to reeducate you girls about it.

Got it?

Good. Now don't forget it.

More to the point, this is a society that's trying to keep strong women down. That's what's really going on, Especially those goddam intransigent Miami Cubans. I know they are coming for me, I just know it, because they are dangerous older men. But they never fucking show up and I am sick of waiting for them.

Since they won't show up, I have to get some attention. So I call the cops and tell them those fucking Miami Cubans have "threatened" me, and I, The Reina Dirty, need their armed protection.

Despite the fact I hate the police state we live in, I enjoy using those evil, fascist (and dreamy) cops as my personal security guards. But they just aren't like the efficient law enforcement types I encountered down in Cuba.

Anyway, I got some fourth-tier gullible writer to crank out some hagiography about me (except I hate that fucking racist headline that says I live 'La Vida Loca') and voila, a legend -- The Legend Of The Fierce Reina Dirty fending off the Miami Cubans with the police state I am suddenly so fond of -- is created! I'm a hero! It will go into the history books! I mean, herstory books, as soon as we can collectivize this goddam place, especially this porky city of Houston, which could use a little of the Havana cockroach and switchgrass diet, served out of one of fidel's Made In China broken rice cookers.

Girls, am I smart or what?

But smart as I am, and you all know that I'm smarter than you, there's one last little injustice I have to speak out about.

My Amazon numbers. I slid 6000 places on Amazon when my fucking profile came out today! I smell a conspiracy. Someone is keeping my adoring buyers from buying my trashy book. Do you know how I know?

Just take a look at that Indian Chick-literati out of New Jersey! Like me, she was educated in Scotland! Like me, she got a $500,000 book advance. Like me, she was part of the great wave of minority sales, put out there like little China dolls for sale to the sitcom crowd. Only in her case, as in every other writer's, she had no talent. She had book packagers and I have a coach. But she plagiarized parts of her book! And got it all yanked by Little, Brown & Co. publishers.

Her fucking rank? It was 300! And mine? Fucking 16,000! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Listen up you bitches. You aren't buying and I am goddam gonna keep shoving this garbage down your throats! That's my message to you for now! Get out and buy my loser of a book because I don't come to these five-star hotels and pretend to like you for nothing. Go buy my fucking book now!

Hugs,

Not Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez