I Thought Of It First

Girls,

I've been busy, so don't bug me, coño, for not writing. Now I'm writing, is that enough for you?

Something that really put the fly in my sprout and carrot salad wrap is this new TV series Cane. Don't get me wrong. I'm really happy Cindysleysis Citre, or whatever her name is got the contract for the TV series about a wealthy Cuban family. Really I am. (How much do you think she made off her contract?) I mean, really, I am. Glad, (sniff) Us Latinas gots to stick together, you capiche?

But it was really my idea. I was the first to ever come up with the idea of a wealthy Latino family as a story idea. It's never been thought of before. Latino drama has always been a Marxist affair of peasants and toilet cleaning Mexicans and Liberation theology has it not? My dad has made sure it's stayed that way, he's a pioneer. My only contribution to all this Marxist interpretive outlook has been the addition of vulgarity. Because I'm with the people, bitches.

When I presented my historic rich-Latino idea to my Hollywood film producers, describing it in full, all they could say was "can you make it more ghetto?" Can you believe that? Racist bastards! I have no idea why they were racist around me and not racist around her, but that's the way this goes. And trust me girls, they have no idea what they are doing, them and their deer parks wasting water in the Valley, the fucking morons!

It wasn't enough that I tried to educate them that they were idiots! They rejected my idea because I presented richness in the realest way, the way I know it (write what you know, right?) which is to say the world of designer jean labels, J-Lo downloads, bottle blond hair, super-skinny figures, jigolos, families that never form, white little dogs with diamond studded collars, tattoos, expensive gold dental grilles, nights discoing, unlimited credit card limits, free sex and everything else I read out of the Perez, 'scuse me, I meant Paris, Hilton biography. Isn't that authentically rich?

But noooo, they took one look at what I put in front of them, and wanted it ghettoed up. Not because all these great ideas of mine are what was needed but because they are racist. They wouldn't know rich if they saw it! Girls, I know what rich is.

Now this bitch comes along, with her mahogany panelling, her panama hats, her balconies, her mojitos, her guayaberas, her family values around the dinner table (it's so patriarchal!), her love of capitalist (retch) enterprises, her fucking tradition .... and that's supposed to be more emblematic of rich than my J-Lo diamonds and bling? (Besos, J-Lo! I didn't really mean the mean shit I said about you earlier! Besos!)

Who, really, is richer and more important? My rich or Cidre's rich? Her rich remind me of something infinitely more horrible than anything I can name, those goddam Miami Cubans! If that's rich, I don't want anyone to know. Rich is the J-Lo lifestyle, not those Miami Nazis! Now it's all coming together for me. This racist, fascist Hollywood establishment is just plain in league with the goddamn Miami fascist Cubans! It's a plot. And all of those directors I badmouthed were really as rightwing as these Cane Miami Cubans are. Claro, girls, claro.

That Cidre money for that TV series should be mine because the idea was mine! My J-Lo tack is the real thing, not those class enemies I hate so much I want to puke over! Uncle Fidel always had his purposes, as my daddy once told me, probably down at the Taco Bell at the strip mall after his spat with my Irish-American poet mamacita. We knew so much more than la Cidre did. Bitch.

Besos,
Not Alisa