Two Thumbs Down

Girls, I'm finally back after the 10,000 mile Book Whore Tour! Ten thousand miles and I'm still in quadruple digits on Amazon. That's not my fault, it's yours! I write, you buy. Can you get that through your fat fucking skulls?

If you expect me, the Reina Dirty, to keep writing trashy novels like "Make Him Feel Good" for you, you damn well better get me out of the rankings basement! I can't say I'm a best-selling author if you won't buy. And it's really important for me to be able to say that, so get buying!

But that's not the only thing that's bugging the shit out of me. I can't get good help around here. Upon getting home, I fired my maid out of spite and hired a new woman, Rosita to wash my dirty panties and clean my toilet and make my reservations for MY entertainment.

She's one of these Guadalupe-worshipping Mexicans, the worst kind! Doesn't she know religion is the opiet of the masses? All she needs is a black mantilla! I can't stand these Mexicans, they're so very Sandra Cisneros, which is what's wrong with literature, and why I, The Reina Dirty, have invented a whole new genre that I actually trademarked! I'm even having a convention next week.

I suffer of course for this art, because the sales of the Spanish edition of my book (currently ranked 500,000), combined with the sales of the book en ingles (ranked 4000) would surely be a formula for number one, if wasn't for the white male conspiracy to count them as separate books and keep me, a strong woman, down, mi'jas!

Anyway Rosita is one of THOSE goddam Mexicans and such a racist, she got me two tickets to see Andy Garcia's new film, called "The Lost City" thinking that because I was, uh, am Cuban (when it suits me and I don't feel like being half Irish or All American, or something else), I would actually like that kind of crap! She thinks that I'm one of those goddam Miami Cuban Nazis! Why do people assume so much? It's so insulting! I told her to get me something good and she got me that horseshit!

You just can't get good help anymore. I'm gonna dump her already make my $130,000 Man into Mr. Mom and have him take care of the laundry now! Why do I bother these Mexican idiots?

So I decided to go see the movie anyway since the damage was done and that fucking Andy Garcia is going to get credit for my $20 contribution. At least I could trash it here on my blog. I went to the movie house but I forgot the credit card Rosita charged the tickets to at home. I told the beaner at the ticket window, and he told me to buy another pair.

"Do you know who I am?" I asked him. He said no. I told him he was trying to keep a strong woman down, rendering me invisible and I was calling his management. He told me he was the management, which I doubt because he looked so Indian, and said I had to either buy it or beat it. I paid but I am taking this expense out of Rosita's pay (I don't write checks to these illegals because I don't want to have to pay their social security taxes and all that shit).

At least they have a starbucks at the Elephant Butte Cineplex, so with my usual Venti Soy Carmel Macchiato Ice-Blended Swirl Chai, I was ready to be "entertained." My milquetoast husband was was sitting next to me with his spartan paper cup of decaf with no cream or sugar (I don't let him have any extras because I'm the boss and he needs to be reminded of that periodically) and he knew enough to shut up.

Then the fucking Andy Garcia movie came on and I wanted to break wind. It was loaded with goddam Cuban Nazis. There they were, sitting around the dinner table like some happy family, which I can tell you, is total bullshit. These fucking Cubans talking about their loving families. Oh they love their families. Ugh! Don't they know that no love is forever, and family should never come before social justice. Politics MUST come first, just ask me. I should be the spokesperson for Cubans in the U.S. and not that goddam Miami Mafia, which is so out of touch.

Cubans sit around the table and play dominos because they are living in the past! The men are sexist macho scumbags and that's why Cuba has the world's highest suicide rate, the women can't stand these Older Cuban Men with antiquated ideas.

There weren't enough expropriation scenes in the movie for my taste, they were my favorite part. If they wanted to be historically accurate they would have added a lot more about that. After all the abolition of private property was necessary because the rich were exploiting the poor and the Americans were exploiting the Cubans. How do I know? Because my communist daddy told me so, silly!

But don't try explaining that to those Miami Cubans sitting around Calle Ocho in their guayaberas for 47 years whining about all how they lost their stuff. Instead, the movie barely touched on the topic and I really wanted to see it happen, just as I'd like to see it happen here and any place where people refuse to read Howard Zinn.

The only part of the movie I really really liked was Che Guevara, because of his dreamy revolutionary spirit, I was on Cloud Nine for those precious few minutes that he was on the screen. I loved it when he told Andy Garcia that his friend got whacked by a firing squad. And his asthma inhaler made him really human and vulnerable in a sexy sort of way. What a hunk! I wish they would have shown him naked (or at least shirtless), girls, but that is just one more reason why this movie sucks!

I'm glad I'm gonna make Rosita pay for this ticket out of her pay before I tell her to get lost because the movie was garbage.

cariños,

Not Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez